And, everything is OK. We’re getting close to three years on, and hey, I’ve survived! We’ve survived, too. H has made some major changes, well, we both have, and I guess we’re doing pretty well. Well enough that Therapist sent us on our way with his blessings, saying that we should keep on doing what we’re doing.
If I seem hesitant or at least, kind of blah about the whole thing, it’s because sometimes I am. There are still triggers of course, and some days I just wonder…what if I tried so hard for the wrong outcome? But most days are fine, and I’m happy to be in THIS place at THIS time. Honestly. The here and the now. It’s all good. 🙂
We laugh, and we talk, and we have a comfortable life for the most part. I have a great job, and I practice yoga regularly, with a group of women I also consider to be my friends. Yoga saved me, and I’m still so grateful for it.🙏
Anyway, for those of you keeping score at home, here’s a little timeline of all the things I’ve been up to since my last post:
July 2017 – ran a 5K in what has become a family tradition with my siblings on the Fourth, then got on a plane with H to Las Vegas . If you’ll recall, Vegas is the location of our wedding, 20-ish years ago. Over the next 20 years, we vacationed in Vegas many times. But, H loved Vegas soooo much, that he wanted to share it with one of his OW, too, and as a result, I had written it off as too triggery. That is until Therapist encouraged me to claim the places that I felt had been stolen from me, like New Orleans and Las Vegas, among others.
So, I won the Battle of New Orleans at Christmastime 2016. Vegas was taken back in July 2017. There are some other places that I’m working on gradually, but these two were the biggies, and I feel like I’ve truly accomplished something. I’ve realized that I’m strong and courageous enough to do things that are hard, even when I don’t think I can. Onward and upward.
Also in July – we became debt free, and not by winning the lottery. It’s amazing how much less important “buying things” for the sake of “having things” is, when all of a sudden you have no debt. I seriously just want to save as much money as possible. I’m guessing this is a short-term effect, kind of like hysterical bonding? 😂 We’ll see…
And later in the month of July, the house that was once home to the Tenant and whatever nasty stuff she had going on in that place, with and without H, has been cleared out, remodeled, and rented to a legitimate renter. A property manager is in place, so H will never have the need to meet or visit with said renter. The extra money is nice, and comes in handy later on…
August 2017 – our last session with Therapist. H first met him in October 2015, so it was nearly 23 months of a combination of individual and couples counseling. It was worth every minute, and every penny. I recommend everyone try some counseling, even without a trauma like infidelity. Even if the relationship hadn’t survived, the things I learned about myself and about H were much needed and will be valuable for the rest of our lives. The best part is that H has said several times that he’s glad he found Therapist, and he even told his dad recently that counseling was well worth the time he spent at it, and that he learned a lot about himself. Win.👍
September 2017 – Like it or not, I’m officially the breadwinner in this relationship, as H quit the physically demanding job he started mid-2016. His hours sucked, the job had changed for the worse, and the company treats its employees like animals, so while some of the benefits were nice, I was on board with him giving it up. Plus now that he has some rental income, he’s decided he’d like to buy another property and get it ready to rent. So, at least he does have a goal in mind and he’s not just drifting.
October 2017 – Home improvements began on our 100% paid for home. We spent so much of our monthly paying for the mortgage that we didn’t keep up on certain maintenance, so H is using some of his free time to paint, repair, and replace. This is not a short term project…
November 2017 – H and I took a trip to a city we’d both been to as teens, but never together, and had a good time. H likes “familiar” best, so it was a step to getting him to travel to places that are new to both of us – hopefully beginning in 2018 – stay tuned.
20th wedding anniversary came and went this month. Yay.
December 2017 – We had planned to spend Christmas at the beach, but something happened to keep us at home instead. H’s mother has had a history of falling down and not being able to get up. She also has a history of hospital stays, followed by a few weeks in a rehab, and then she goes back home. But in December, she fell and went into the hospital, but this time was different. From the hospital she went to a psych ward for evaluation, due to suggestions of being suicidal. After a week on suicide watch, she was released to a rehab center. Two weeks later, she was sent to another psych hospital due to being combative with nursing staff. Apparently UTIs can wreak havoc with our minds, and her’s was fried. After another week, she was sent back to rehab. Through the whole ordeal, it was clear that something wasn’t right – she wasn’t bouncing back the way she has in the past. But, medically there was nothing found to be wrong, other than the UTI. No evidence of stroke, or anything else. Diagnosis is just “early dementia” and while that sounds like a lot, it’s doesn’t really give us any answers. So, it’s been tough, and honestly it’s a good thing H doesn’t have a job right now, because there’s quite a bit for an only child to deal with when their parent is in and out of various hospitals.
BTW – this is the bitch of a mother that H has had a difficult relationship with, and that he spent lots of therapy time on… he’ll dance on her grave when she’s gone, but for now, he is a good, responsible son, even if she says differently. And she often does. 😐
Later in December – anniversary of D-Day #2 came and went, and we celebrated the new year with friends old and new. I’m in a good place.
February 2018 – birthday month for both of us. H is now 50, and I’m still a year younger. He asked me if he should join AARP. 😉 Ramping up home improvement projects as Spring nears.
March 2018 – MIL is released to go home. H spends a lot of time scheduling home care, nurses, physical therapy, etc. MIL is her usual uncaring, disrespectful self. She is often confused, and this causes her to get ugly with H. I have fears of H going back to his old ways to soothe the pain that he doesn’t admit he feels, and I even suggest that he set a time to meet with Therapist if he wants to talk about his mother. H says he’s OK, there’s no need. I hope this is true…
So, life is flowing, like a river to the sea. If you recently found yourself here while in the middle of betrayal – please know, it takes time, but it does get better. Take care of yourself. Find a counselor. Don’t worry – you’re going to be ok.