…and when I think back to where we were six months ago, or a year ago, I guess we are. Even six months ago, H was still hemming and hawing about how to deal with The Tenant situation, and I was detaching myself from the relationship. But then things changed, and he figured it out, and since September we’ve been finding our way back.
Some days are really hard though, and I get discouraged – mostly with myself. I still find it hard to give myself a break and not be so determined to just be “healed!” already. (And then I need to remind myself of what I just typed above. It’s only been six months since he really decided to commit to US again and to accept the boundaries that I need to feel safe. Ok, it makes more sense to me now…)
But then there are days like today, when I came back from a nice long dog walk to a fully cooked breakfast (a birthday surprise prepared by H) that are fun and sweet and make me glad we’re both making the effort. Or evenings like last week after our meeting with Therapist, when H and I had dinner together and easily talked about so many things, and it just felt right. Or even the conversation we had while driving home, when H told me finding Therapist and spending the time and money over the past 18 months has totally been worth it, because he’s learned so much about himself and his relationships with all the people in his life. (It wasn’t that long ago that H told me he “wasn’t getting much out of therapy” and he was ready to quit. I guess like everything else, it just takes time. )
We’re working through the book “Hold Me Tight” with Therapist right now. Therapist says we’re doing just fine, better than a lot of couples he’s seen. He’s actually ready for us to wind it up soon. He just wants to be sure we are armed with the tools we need to continue to do well. We’ve been going every other week or so, so I expect MC to be officially finished by summer. That’s kinda scary for me.
We start each session talking about things that are currently causing tension in our relationship, mostly unrelated to affairs or prostitutes or strippers. Instead, now we discuss H’s criticism of my driving skills, or my continued struggle to pay 100% undivided attention to H when I’m attempting to multitask. These are things that have gone on for our entire relationship, but until recently, instead of expressing our feelings about them, we would grit our teeth and do whatever it was that we did to suppress them. Now, all the feels are out in the open, and it can be hard to admit that even if we didn’t intend to hurt the other with our words or actions, the fact is, we did. And we both need to do better.
I need to do better, so that I know that no matter what, I’ve done my very best to take this pain and make something good from it. More compassion for myself – my focus for the near future.